MyLifeComics

…and you thought your life was exciting!

Archive for the ‘jerks’ Category

Trying to X-mas Shop on a Sunday Afternoon

with 5 comments

2008-12-141

Anyone that knows me knows this: I’m a patient man hobbit. Yet, in this world of ours, there are a few things that I can’t handle and one of them in particular is parking lots during the holiday buying season. It’s just so…unmanageable. Chaotic might be an even more apt word. People are just the rudest then, jetting forward in their cars to snatch up any free rectangle-shaped space with no regard for those that were there first, blinker at the ready. I even saw some cars double-parking, which is awful for all.

It’s amazing we don’t read more newspaper headlines in December like “Man Shot One Hundred and Three Times After Stealing Soccer Mom’s Spot” or “Target Indeterminately Shut Down, Too Much Blood.”

But I learned my lesson. From now on, if I do have to get some X-mas shopping done, I’m going out Tuesday nights after 11:00 p.m. Granted, no stores will be open then…but at least I’ll get a good parking spot.

I’m making the difference
It just seems pointless
With all the obvious lines all out of focus
Why can’t you just be happy
Why can’t you just be happy

– “One-Eighty by Summer” by Taking Back Sunday

Written by Paul

December 14, 2008 at 10:06 am

Getting Accosted in a Parking Lot

with 6 comments

2008-12-10

He needs to work on his sales pitch a bit more, methinks. If only he’d been trying to sell me an Xbox 360 or a Boston terrier or a tuna sammich with black olives from his scary rape-van then I’d have been all like, “YES, I DO KNOW I WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!”

Question of the day: Have you ever been buttonholed like this before?

It’s not so bad being trendy
Everyone who looks like me is my friend
Please don’t hate me because I’m trendy
They’re not gonna laugh at me again

– “Trendy” by Reel Big Fish

Written by Paul

December 10, 2008 at 10:15 pm

Quiet Couple Makes Cooking Dinner Awkward

with 6 comments

2008-12-05

One might’ve thought we had kicked down their dorm’s door during an intense makeout/breakup session and then proceeded to tiptoe all around them, whispering derogatory claims while simultaneously rearranging all of their stuff. Yes, one might have thought such a thing by their snap to silence, their seedy, flickering eyes, their determination to wait us out (though they did, eventually, sulk away).

It’s a public kitchen, people. Go be mopey on the floor of your shower like normal folk.

In matching blue raincoats
Our shoes were our showboats
We kicked around
From stairway to station
We made a sensation

– “On the Bus Mall” by The Decemberists

Written by Paul

December 5, 2008 at 6:31 pm

Posted in college, comics, foodwhore, jerks, weirdness

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Star Wars Monopoly Brings Out My Dark Side

with 6 comments

2008-11-07

We totally didn’t even play using the special Star Wars rules. Accordingly, there is an extra optional rule stating that if a player rolls doubles, they may roll again and get to do one of the following things: player may move token to any space (double ones/hyper-jump), player collects 200 (double twos/Jedi mind trick), player collects 50 from every player (double threes/trade blockade), player draws a Jedi card (double fours), player draws a Sith card (double fives), or player may challenge another player for a property of theirs, unless that player owns all properties in that particular group. Both players roll a die, and whoever has the higher roll takes control of the property; if it is a tie, then the players re-roll (double sixes).

The only one that would’ve helped me was the last one, alas. Oh well, maybe another time. Probably not.

Oh, the flowers of indulgence and the weeds of yesteryear
Like criminals, they have choked the breath of conscience and good cheer
The sun beat down upon the steps of time to light the way
To ease the pain of idleness and the memory of decay

– “Every Grain of Sand” by Bob Dylan

Written by Paul

November 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Woman at Bank has a Baby at Home

with 6 comments

2008-10-26

A few things…

1. I’m not sure why I look so muscular in panel one, but I can assure you that I’m far from being a bodybuilder’s doppelganger. I’m sure Tara will try to undermine this claim in the comments below, but believe me people–I get sore just lifting the covers over me at night!

2. Babies do not entitle people to whatever they want. I’m sorry, they just don’t. I waited (or queued if you’re British) patiently and properly; just because I didn’t squeeze something out of my who-ha doesn’t mean you get first grabs. Also, I couldn’t help but imagine her baby at home, all alone, crawling closer and closer to the unlocked liquor cabinet and rack of filthy magazines.

3. I apologize if I offended you (people that might have been offended include: women, women with babies, a baby, bodybuilders, alcoholics, and porno mag lovers).

The wind sounds just like the ocean
Blowing big through the trees in my backyard
I sit alone in a dark room smoking
And wondering where you are

– “Under the Western Stars” by Everclear

Written by Paul

October 26, 2008 at 6:25 pm

Posted in business, comics, jerks, rant, weirdness, women

Tagged with ,

The Solution to the Scorn of Old People

with 9 comments

2008-10-21

New rule! If nothing interesting or exciting or cartoonishly obtuse happens that is worth me exploring or even spending more than five minutes thinking about, I’m just gonna make shit up. I’ll leave it to y’all to play detective/CSI agent and figure out what is real and what is not. So go ahead. Start investigating…

Karma police
Arrest this man
He talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge
He’s like a de-tuned radio

– “Karma Police” by Radiohead

Written by Paul

October 21, 2008 at 6:39 pm

The Smile That Occupies My Mind

with 7 comments

Okay, so I’m going to come clean. I’ve gotten a lot more political in the last few months than I ever was during the entire three years I spent studying journalism at college. Still, I’ve had my mind made up for awhile now, and these debates seem to only lead to my confusion and befuddlement about the opposite podium’s perspective. I mean…some of the responses and facial ticks just make me want to scream the hair right off of my head.

So show me something we haven’t heard yet
But I’m not convinced and your hopeless songs won’t stick
But I, I’ll sing you something you won’t forget
For the first time I know this is now who I am

– “Season” by The Academy Is

Written by Paul

September 26, 2008 at 5:41 pm

Posted in comics, jerks, politics, world

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Hillbillies Hate Gay Golfing Couples

with 4 comments

Ah, not quite a revisit to the alligator arms day, but a whole new set of jerkfaces. They were pretty seething by the time we got up to the putting green on the first hole; they were waiting for us, not quite ready to tackle the second hole before they marked their territory, the words barely able to be contained in their stupid, dumb, blubbering mouths, and they seemed to actually accuse me of almost killing them. As if. I can barely hit the ball a hundred yards, let alone faster than 10 mph. The only person that almost died that day was Mr. Squirrel, but he skittered around to the other side of the tree trunk when he saw Sean was up to swing and practiced some zen-like positions.

I wonder who we’ll meet on our next outing. I hope it’s Bob Barker.

Can we take the next hour
And talk about me
Talk about me, and we’ll talk about me
Talk about me, and we’ll only talk about me

– “I’m Actual” by The Format

Written by Paul

September 20, 2008 at 6:52 pm

Posted in comics, jerks, outdoors, relationships, sports

Tagged with ,

#394 – Rush Concert

with 11 comments

Mmm, it was a very good concert though. Looooong, but very good, which means it is worth the longness. They opened with “Limelight”, played nearly everything off their new album, did some “veteran” tunes, and closed with “A Passage to Bangkok”. Sadly, my favorite song, sweetmemories!, did not get its chance to shine. Oh wells. Can’t win them all…

Also, I’d again like to apologize to Tara and her mother. See, I’m a magnetic sort of person. I can’t help it. I attract weirdos and jerks in like moths to a flame. It isn’t anything I can control, but I do feel bad that these peepeeheads always make their way to me at some point. Maybe they somehow got wind that I draw a comic strip about my life and were like, “Sweet! We can be famous! And by famous I mean not-famous! But still! Sweet!”

Yup, just like that.

D, we still need to go see something. Maybe a September show?

Snapple Real Facts #25: The only food that doesn’t spoil is honey.

It’s a far cry from the world we thought we’d inherit
You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing

– “Far Cry” by Rush

Written by Paul

July 30, 2008 at 12:00 am

Posted in comics, concert, entertainment, jerks, music

Tagged with

#385 – Bitsy Goes Golfing

with 5 comments

Yes, another golfing comic. Deal with it. In fact, there’ll be a third one in the upcoming days. Yes, I’m a wee bit more active these days. Long gone are the days where I go to Quiznos, chat up the locals, and draw about the mayhem that ensues…

Bitsy, pay attention to this paragraph. Animal Crossing: City Folk was just announced today, and you can check out the trailer for it here! It’s for the Wii, and you take a bus into the city where all the shops, plus new ones, seem to be. Other than that and a few new holidays to be celebrated, it seems to be the same game as AC: WW, but it is hard to tell. Will have to wait for more information. This might be the sole reason to buy a Wii, I tell you:

Get down, summer in the city!

Get down, summer in the city!

Fuck yes!

Also, Joss Whedon fans unite! Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is absolutely wonderful and well worth watching. It’s got a great cast, a fun plot, and silly songs. By the gods of Kobol are the songs catchy! And it’ll only be up for a short time so get on it now. Okay, that’s enough outta me.

Snapple Real Facts #68: The longest one-syllable word is “screeched.”

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

– “The Call” by Regina Spektor

Written by Paul

July 17, 2008 at 12:00 am